It's 11:30 pm, I've brushed my teeth and taken my medication. Lights are out in the bedroom, David is snoring. I lay there with pillows plumped for a half hour and then got up, came in here to write more on the stories I have going. Why? Because nothing but dark thoughts are going through my head. Depressive thoughts. Things I should have done, things I did do that were wrong, regrets, scenarios of what I wish had happened in certain circumstances. Does this happen to you too? I bet it does.
In other days I would write a story in my head. Or think of a Bible verse for every letter of the alphabet, or girl's names, or favorite foods. I usually never got farther than G. But it doesn't work for me anymore. Maybe something about aging when the stories have been written, no new Bible verses to surprise myself, don't care about girls' names and I'm on a strict diet so shouldn't think about food.
So I get up and see if Joel or Joyce are on the religious channels. Or go to my trusty computer and write or blog. I have a memory of long ago. This is the house I grew up in. I was often frightened in the night but terrified to get up and face the monsters that lurked for me in the dark. But when I did, I found comfort in the living room. Mother would be lying on the sofa covered in an afghan that she had made, a radio at her eat tuned to the Family Bible Hour music. She would be murmuring. It wasn't a bad dream, she was praying. An insomniac (is that where I get it?) and often having depressing thoughts (she told me on her death bed) she would go into the living room. Dad would have set up her nest with the blankets and radio. He would make her toast and go back to bed. Mother would lie there in the dark praying.
And then one night, I heard my name. "Bless little Martha..." Little Martha was 13 and wild, rebellious, heedless and thoughtless. Had nothing to do with God. Was scaring my gentle mother to death with my antics. But I heard my name in prayer. My mother, who couldn't stop me, knew who could. I felt so loved.
So in a few minutes I'm going to close up shop here and try again, if David's snoring doesn't keep me up. I'm having a routine blood test in the morning and cannot eat anything until 10 tomorrow morning and if I sit here long enough, I'll eat and that will be the end of my blood test. What will I do to get to sleep? Stay tuned!
