At one of my former daycares, worked an Indian woman, a Hindu, who was one of the wisest, kindest people I knew. We were talking about crime and I was holding forth about what we should do with criminals. Ah, the years when I knew everything! This woman looked into my eyes, and said with a gentle tone, "It was Mother Theresa who said, 'I can't judge you because of the Hitler in me.'" I was stopped cold and I've never forgotten that proverb. Any of us are capable of anything given the perfect storm of circumstances - so it behooves us never to say, "I would never..."
Along with the nation and the world, I am horrified at the disaster in Newtown, Connecticut. For the first two days I couldn't stop crying when it came on the news. I'm was a preschool teacher for 30 years. I see the faces of those precious little ones, and superimposed over them, the bullet holes, the blood, the survivors seeing their friends torn apart. So much misinformation came out as news anchors rushed to be the first to spread the news. Grasping for bits of gossip, interviewing traumatized children. The shooter's mother worked there, they let him in because they knew him, he had ADHD, she was too hard on him...
As it turned out the mother never worked at the school, the boy had untreated Asperger's, he broke a door to get in, and his mother was in the middle of trying to get her son into treatment for his mental illness. The guns were hers, from her collection. She was an enthusiast and taught her boys how to handle a gun safely. Sure, we can ask now how she could keep weapons in the house with a mentally unstable son, but hindsight?
I wanted to say something vengeful about the dead shooter but the only thing that came to mind was, "Lord Jesus, have mercy!" Wow! Where did that come from? I know what mental illness is like. It's around me, it's in the family, I myself need medication and counsel. I spent 20 years behind a curtain, cut off from the world, seeing it but not being able to participate. When I was diagnosed the curtain was ripped away and I saw with painful clarity how disastrous my life had been up until that point. Was that me who said _______? Did I really ______? How could I have ______!
I feel like I can see the mind video of Adam Lanza. He wasn't capable of seeing life in the abstract, only the individual details. Things like love, happiness, patience, puppies and babies, respect, God - his mind wasn't able to understand these concepts. He adapted, of course, in order to survive. He learned how to play the game. But he was mentally and emotionally blindfolded.
When he grabbed the guns, although he certainly knew what guns were for, and that he would use them to kill, he didn't reason out the consequences because 'reasoning out' an idea from beginning to end was not in his capability. When he broke his way into the school he didn't recognize adults, children, teachers. Age is an abstract concept. He saw bodies. Shooting and killing them were video games, TV shows, not real life human beings. He could have chosen to break into an old folks home, lovers in the park, a daycare or church. Human differences didn't exist in his disordered mind.
It made sense to him according to the context of his brain function. If he had lived he wouldn't have recognized that he had done anything wrong. He would have blamed the police for interfering.
All mentally ill people are not serial killers. Mass murder is still rare though seeming to gain ground. I doubt that I harbor serial killer genes nor do my friends who struggle with mental health issues. But I've done enough harm in my own corner of the world to understand the concept of it being done on a wider scale.
That's why I pray, Mercy, dear Jesus, for this boy, Adam Lanza. As distasteful as it is to contemplate, I see God standing there in that school as Adam put the gun to his own head, holding out his hand and walking his spirit off the scene. Adam looks around in a panic and says, "No! Did I do this?" And God says, "Beloved, come and let's talk." And all over the school angels are lifting children to their feet and dusting them off, gathering them in a group like the count before a field trip, which is kind of what's happening - the ultimate field trip. And their ageless spirits recognize Adam's and he is forgiven on the spot.
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